(Reblogged from my Facebook Account)
To a lot of people, the bravest thing I do each day is wake up and
face the day. And let me tell you, there are days when it certainly
takes strength, bravery, and courage to do so. I think the most
difficult days to face are the days when I wake up before my meds alarm.
(That's right, I have an alarm to remind me to take my pills.) This is
because I have to go through the motions, knowing that it is still X# of
hours before I can take my meds, as I am on a 12 hr schedule for pain killers, and messing with that clock is a BAAAAAAD idea!
Now, there are boosters I can take, but most of those need food or
caffeine to work effectively, so then I have that challenge to overcome,
first. The easier route, and the one I have the hardest time
avoiding/succumbing to, is to simply unplug.
I could get high or
drunk and it would dull some of the pain, and put me in a place where I
wouldn't care about the rest. The good news is, I don't have kids or a
job that depends on me. I'm 'self employed' as a Life Coach, and on
Ontario Works because I can't trust my health enough to have a 'real
job'. In fact, quitting my last job was one of the most difficult things
I've ever had to do (but that's a post in and of itself).
However, one of the things that I have promised myself is that I will
not let my illness rule my life. It certainly RUNS my life; everything
about my life has to go through the filter of conserving energy to avoid
a bad flair, and just because I've been behaving, doesn't mean I'm not
liable to end up with a bad bout anyway, just because the weather, or an
on coming cold, or my monthly cycle, or a bad dream, or some personal
stress, or, or, or, or.....
But I'm not going to let it RUIN my life.
I am a headstrong, driven, intelligent, multitalented, social
butterfly. And you can bet your ass that 20 days out of 30, I am living
my life with a smile on my face and a laugh on my voice. But not without
the constant urge to reach for a drink or marijuana or sleeping pills.
Add to the pot that I have an addictive personality and have already
had my struggles with alcohol to the point that if I feel that I am
going though a bout of depression, I will not drink a DROP! Not even a
taste of a friend's fancy new beer or home made mead.
You guys usually see the smile, never knowing what it hides. No wonder the death of Robin Williams took us all by surprise....
Reaching out, destroying the illusion that I am fine, that I am happy,
that I am healthy, that I am normal... That's what takes the courage.
Facing each day is a choice I made when I decided to live life. In my
eyes, there are two choices, live life, or quit. And I'm not ready to
throw in the towel just yet. I have people to love, lives to touch,
lessons to teach, and stories to tell.
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