Update Synopsis

I haven't been posting updates here, as I've been just posting directly to my personal Facebook, and that in and of itself can sometimes take up a lot of energy. So here is a synopsis, minus names, of what's been going on with me and mine :)

March 21. Morning:

I had a very busy, very productive day yesterday.

Got to reconnect with an adopted Uncle, KS, I got toddler snuggles from my niece, AS, got through half of the backlog of clean laundry, made Brownies and Chocolate pudding for Hubby, puttered away at the kitchen, began the putter process in the bedroom, and just overall made great progress. 

Woke up this morning and my brain is already wanting to resume that productive feeling.

Have to pace myself extra today. I've got medical errands to run.

Will post detailed update later. Xoxo

Evening:

I've had a busy day thus far. Had my appointment with my Neurologist, then stopped for lunch with RD. Omw up to visit with ML before going home to relax for a bit.

I'm having a very positive day. Almost peed myself (literally) laughing twice, so that's something! Lol

Had an amazing roulette meal at Steve's Open Kitchen. I told the cook to surprise me ;) I got eggs Benny with peameal, and perfect home fries.

Neurologist was happy to see that I'm doing so well after the upset. She's pleased with my progress already this week. I've got a regular MRI update coming up (waiting for them to send me the appointment information). And follow up appointment for Nov, unless the MRI shows anything noteworthy.

March 22, Morning:

I had a good cry last night, after a social misstep and getting myself all worked up. After a lot of introspection, I'm feeling much better about the situation and myself.

Part of the introspection lead me to realize that I am inadvertently pushing myself. So I'm doing my best to create a warning system in my brain so that if I get close to stepping outside of my current comfort zone, if I and leading towards a situation that I am not yet emotionally prepared to deal with, then I can take a step back without feeling like a coward, etc. bottom line, I am focusing on self forgiveness.

I also emailed my GP about a psychiatric referral sooner rather than later. I think I inadvertently put it off (even temporarily) when I spoke with him on Wed. I sort of heard it on replay last night while I was thinking about it, so I spoke to Hubby, assured him that it wasn't a conscious procrastination, and assured him I'd be reaching out to correct that today.

I'm still feeling super insecure in so many ways. Not the ways I'd have thought. But it is certainly getting much easier to navigate my own thoughts and feelings now that I'm off all the meds!!!

More later. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm continuing to move forward <3

Afternoon:
Having an extra slow day today. My body is complaining. But I did get some kitchening done, and some of the garbage/recycling ready to go for tonight. The mountain of clean clothes and unmatched socks is slowly shrinking. And I've just had a hot shower that has alleviated the worst of the pain I was in. Now I think it's time for a nap, or at least for staring at the screen with glazed eyes Zzzzzzzz

March 23, Evening:

Hey guys! I hope that no one has been worried! I've been having a great, if buys, day heart emoticon

Started with texting with my baby sister, then up to the kitchen for breakfast, and some dishes. Chatted with Mr Homeowner and his son (2yrs), then back down to hang with Hubby while he played The Division and I called the Baby Sister and folded laundry.

I have now officially folded all of the clean clothes! I am stoked! Now I just have to separate into organized piles and give each pile a home. I love how excited these little things make me :P

Had a great chat with Baby Sister, then sent Hubby off to work and then Uncle came over for a couple of hours. Now I'm back in the basement, watching TV and puttering. xoxo!

My other goal for today is to sweep/vacuum the basement and ground floor. But that doesn't need to be done til before bed time.

Later:

I so should have taken before and after pictures! I cannot believe how much progress I'm making in my general putter/basement overhaul! Kinda like my first two days home after the hospital. I spent the time in the basement cleaning up mess from the walls, carpet, shower, clothes, boxes, etc.... But did it ever feel good to get it done!!! 

I have been working on a complete overhaul of the bedroom, since then. Every scrap of paper, pile of clutter, lost sock, accounted for and relegated to its own home. Tonight I also moved over to the living area (aka dump zone) next door. We're in the basement btw, not sure if y'all knew that. 

I needed to spread next door to find storage space for stuff. So now I've gotten a bunch of dead cardboard boxes flattened and sliced up, bagged up and dumped on the front porch, the stacks of "from the move" boxes piled up and ready to be sorted through, the "hallway" expanded, two more loads of catch-up laundry done, the suitcases and backpacks nested together, the laundry area tidied up, the piles of random items scattered around all collected and put in a box for household sorting at a later date! 

I've even started a pile of Yard Sale items to put out for fundraising for The Move &/or The Wedding! 

Been wrapped up in my electric blanket while I write this, with my foot massager doing its job. Now I'm off to get a hot shower, and hopefully have some time to play Fallout 4 before Hubby gets home from work for snuggles and food <3 :)

March 24, Morning:

Morning loves from my Love, breakfast, and more puttering!

I saved Hubby's life! We put on Red Neck Hazmat gear and got ride of a mould source (he's allergic). I'll be spot treating the carpet over time to make it sanitary. Then we'll do a steam clean and likely put a new underlay down.

Even if we move next month, this space will be move in ready for the next guy! ;)

Been doing dishes. Now I've gotta put on butt coverings. Meeting SM for tea at Steve's Open Kitchen, then mall crawling with RD & ML.

Gonna be a great day!

March 25, Morning:

Mmmmm. Groggy girl is groggy.....*zombie shuffle*

Had a great morning hanging out with the Homeowners and the Baby! Did some dishes, some personal grooming, and am now watching Eureka and puttering around on-line, after a snack of cheese and Gingerale

Afternoon: 

Om nom lunch!

Leftover tuscan chicken stirfry and a headache hot chocolate, just in case. Been doing lots of tv, internet and crochet today, lets not end up with a Migraine.....

Evening:

Well, this is going to be interesting. I'm coming down with a cold. This will be my first entirely holistic battle with my body in quite some time. I just home for The Baby's sake that I don't end up with conjunctivitis again! :P

Off to crochet and watch Hubby play The Division. <3

March 26, Afternoon:

I have a sinus cold today. So you may not hear much from me. But Hubby will be here all day except for grocery run.

March 27, Afternoon:

Hey guys! I'm doing well, just struggling through this cold. Had a nice brunch with the house ppl. been relaxing and puttering. now playing MineCraft

March 28, Afternoon:

Home safe from my stupid o'clock dr app. Their entire team was Topsy turvy. Seems some parts of the practice took today off and some did not. Lack of communication.

So I was an hr and a half late getting to see the dr. But they were very polite and to the point once we were face to face.

Today was an appointment with my Rheumatologist. A follow up after a localized steroid injection in January.

I have more blood work to go for, a referal to a Physiatryst (soft tissues specialist), and an open ended ticket to get another steroid shot at my leisure, after cold and flu season.

This is because we determined that the shot did work for the pain in my shoulders, but that the benefit was canceled out my laying me up for 3 weeks with cold/flu.

I love my kids too much to avoid the little plague rats wink emoticon

Now I'm home, and back in bed with my electric blanket and witches brew to kick this cold in the arse!

March 29, Morning:

My cold is finally starting towards better instead of worse! Yay!

Ate my breakfast on the deck today. Perfect balance of sun and wind. Tho it's still too cold for the heavy breathing of a nice walk, with this cold.

So I started my Dr homework today. I have to track down the psychiatrist that has the referral information for the coping skills team and one on one therapy. I'd have thought they'd have contacted my GP, but not so much.

Note to self! if I'm ever hospitalized, get a copy of my records or something before I leave! lol

I've also got to call the Fibro specialists in Toronto that my GP thinks will be good now that I'm getting more hand on with my FMS.

Separately, I also am waiting for an appointment for an updated MRI and a referral to a physiatrist (soft tissues specialist).

Looks like I've got tons of support of the fibro front!

Feeling exhausted after food and fresh air. May nap.... maybe minecraft for a bit. *yawns*

Afternoon:

In the scramble to make sure that I am feeling better, and doing my part to follow up with Dr's, Hubby hasn't gotten around to seeing someone about what happened. This just sort of occurred to both of us.

So I'll be making a call to get him a referral (as per his request) but I am currently feeling overwhelmed by the fact that we've gone this long without him talking to a Professional. These saviors of ours, they forget to watch out for themselves... tut tut tut.

I'm off to cleanse my brain pallet.

Evening:

Feeling a bit down today. First time that I haven't been able to just shrug it off since I've been home. But I don't think it's a big deal. I've also been exceptionally tired today.

I'll keep an eye on it.

Off to nuke some soup.

And make a Keurig hot chocolate ;) cuz chocolate fixes everything

Later:

Feeling better now. Just tired and anti social. Time for fallout!!

March 30, Morning:

Took a nap last night that turned into waking up this morning :P Well, the good news is that I feel well rested! The bad news is I feel ancient. Not sure if its because I didn't move much in my sleep, or the impending weather this evening. But I make for a great caricature, hobbling around tongue emoticon Spending my morning playing Modded Minecraft. Homework and reading and dishes and crochet are on the agenda for the day.

Evening:

A snapshot of what Slow as Molasses in January looks like; Went to kitchen at 6:45 to toss two eggs and leftover chicken stir fry into a pan. Just now (9:07) returning to bedroom after dinner and dishes :P

Medical Update; March 19th

Note: See Previous post for context.


Alrighty! Doctor's appointment update:

So this was a follow up appointment with my GP (Gerneral Practitioner, aka Family Dr) after my release from the hospital this past Saturday.

Topics of focus were

-referral to psychological team within my Dr's Medical Practice Family.

Results: The psyche team at the hospital was meant to see me again on the Monday, armed with pamphlets and further information. However my liver got better faster than expected, and I was discharged on Saturday.

No follow-up had been done through my GP (by them), so I will be chasing down the information they were going to provide, and then work with my GP to follow through on those referrals.

-follow up with a coping skills group via the aforementioned

Results: See above.

The coping skills group is specifically targeted at ppl with mental health issues.

-pain and symptom managements (Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue, Anxiety, Insomnia, Migraines, etc)

Results: I've got the contact information for Fibro program out of the Women's College Hospital, University Health Network, in Toronto. Specifically, the group that focuses on Environmental Health. (FMS, CFS, Chemical sensitivities, etc). I'll be getting in touch with them, and from what I understand, this will be my long term tool for all things Fibro.

-blood work ordered to check up on liver function

Results: likely to be drawn on Monday, as I have a regularly scheduled neurologist appointment then, so will try to kill two birds with one stone. Thankfully this is not a fasting test.

NOTE: Hubby is off Thursdays, Fridays & Sundays. He will be attending all/most appointments with me. I already have someone coming with me for Monday, as he will not be available.

-my ten thousand questions about weaning myself back onto vitamins and the use of non Rx (rx = prescription) treatments for managing pain and other symptoms, after liver trauma

Results: I'm a professional patient, however I did not take biology or anything in classes, so things like, how a liver functions, how resilient it is, and what to expect insofar as performance and/or the need the coddle my organs after Acetaminophen toxicity (the official Dx (Dx = diagnosis) on my Hospital discharge papers), are things I have needed to ask the Powers That Be.

The Dr says I am free to slowly start taking my vitamins again, and that the non Rx methods I have asked about using for pain and symptom management all passed his inspection. He advised that I take things slow, of course, but only as a precaution, not as any active concern for my liver.

While in the hospital, everyone was shocked at how well my liver coped. I did not have any jaundice, no tenderness to the touch, and once the bad numbers started dropping back to normal, they did so in leaps and bounds.

Common consensus is because I have always been so religious about treating my liver with kidd gloves due to all of the things that I was putting in my body on a regular basis. Specifically insofar as keeping an eye out for signs of liver distress and I keep hydrated, carefully striking a balance between urine that is too dark or too clear.

Bottom line, I'm to take it slow, but everything looks fine on that front.

-possible discontinuation of previous Rx

Results: After careful discussion about my reasons to want to, and my acceptance that it may not turn out like I hope, my Dr has supported my desire to discontinue all previous meds (Lyrica, Cymbalta, Cipralex, Tramadol/Tridural). We are, however, going to try paxil for in the moment treatment of acute anxiety. That's the only symptom (panic attacks) that I don't feel up to working through on my own. Yes, meditation works for me, but I have to be able to stop spinning long enough to DO the meditation ;)

There will be a longer, more in depth post at a later date going into the whys and whatnots on that front.

Suffice it to say that I am excited/nervous to see how pain and symptom management go without Rx, as well as the journey to rediscover what my symptoms are without the meds to keep them in check. 

Bottom line is, I'm relishing my renewed mental clarity since stopping the meds, and want to do everything in my power to keep that!

-reassessment of bipolar disorder Dx (the Psyche team from the hospital is leaning towards BPD- Borderline personality disorder)

Results: I'm a bit amused about this part.

My GP and the head of the Psyche team from the hospital seem to be at nearly comical odds as to their opinion of my Dx. He maintains that it's Bi polar, and she maintains that it is borderline personality disorder.

There has been no unprofessional conduct. They have not come out and said that the other doesn't know their ass from a hole in the ground. But it's there, in the subtext.

Logically, as a Professional Patient and Life Coach, I understand that GP means general practitioner. Jack of all Trades, Master of none. And while my GP happens to have done some specific work in the areas of psychotherapy, it is his area of professional interest, not his area of professional speciality.

My GP knows more about my long term health and mental health situation up until now, compared to the Psyche Dr who has just been thrown into the middle of this at it's worst. But this is still her area of specific study.

So I will be doing my due diligence and chasing down both opinions and seeking education etc on both so that I can help facilitate a Dx so I can stay on the best track in the long term insofar as managing my mental health.

Other points:

I will also be renewing my handicap parking pass, applying for ODSP (currently on OW), and scheduling an MRI with my neurologist.

Because I've been on the meds for so long, and they have been masking so many of the symptoms, it is difficult for me to tell if there are any new neurological symptoms as a result of the recent trauma. 

So MRI or whatever she suggests will be in the cards for the immediate future. I'll talk that over with her on Monday during my regular check up.

I think that's it for now! As always, feel free to ask questions or offer advice, etc <3


NOTE: For those who have asked if there is anything you can do to help, we are currently looking for donations to keep financial stress to a minimum. 

TRIGGER WARNING! An Announcement Regarding My Recent Trauma

Greetings, All.

Some of you will have noticed that I have been out of touch for a while. Some of you will know why. For the rest of you, this is going to come as somewhat of a shock. So please, do what you need to do to make sure you are braced before you continue to read.











Monday, March 7th, around 3 in the afternoon, I went through the motions of the singular most stupid and selfish act I have ever committed. I swallowed an exorberant amount of pills - mostly painkillers, the most devastating of which what an entire bottle of tylenol.

I tried to kill myself.

Hubby had gone to work. When he came home, he tried to wake me. I was verbally abusive. He assumed I’d had a bad pain day, and was drunk.

In the wee hours, I woke up vomiting. I managed to get to the shower and ran the water while I finished puking. Hubby did what came natural, started cleaning up the mess I had made from the bed to the shower.

When the puking subsided, he came to check on me, and I admitted what I had done.

911, medics, police, and a couple of friends later, I was taken to hospital. I was there until Saturday, when my physical health was declared sound enough to be released. I’d also been under the care of a Psyche team while in the hospital, and they had declared me fit to be released, with outpatient follow ups.

Those are the cold hard facts.

Now to answer the largest, ringing question; Why?

It took me a couple of days before I could give the Psyche team, and those who’d been to see me at the hospital, anything even remotely close to an answer to that. For the first couple of days, I honestly didn’t know. After a lot of reflection, I was finally able to give an answer that was the breakthrough we all needed to start feeling better, to start feeling like I was going to be okay.

I still do not have an answer to why I did it. But I can at least answer why I didn’t ask for help. Why I didn’t tap any one of the myriad of resources that I have been a staunch supporter of for me and mine.

Because I didn’t know that anything was wrong.

Coming from someone who is very introspective, and very open and honest about her many challenges, about asking for help, or a distraction whenever she’s feeling upset, this seems very hard to believe. I understand that.

I will go into my mental state during the event, at length, at a later date, suffice it to say, that when I look back, yes, I can see evidence of a pattern. A sporadic pattern over a long term, that shows me that I’ve been unplugging from life. Things as simple as not chasing down opportunities to make myself happier. Things that I know light up my life.

But, like I said, it was spread out over so long a time, that it was so difficult to recognize that pattern. The good news is, that both myself, and the Psyche team from the hospital, agree that I will in fact be able to recognize if I ever come even close to that mindset again.

I promise each and every one of you, that if I’d have realized that something was wrong, before, during, or after, I would have asked for help. I would have reached out.

The whole thing is still very surreal in many ways. I’ve been asked over and over, “What were you thinking?” That’s the problem. I wasn’t. I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t feeling. I just went through the motions.

Everytime that I think about it, I feel the terror and horror that I’d like to think I SHOULD have felt in the moment.

I have always prided myself on the fact that I have no regrets in life. That is a claim I am pleased to relinquish.

I regret what I did.

I regret that I did it at all. I regret what it has done to the people closest to me. What it’s done to the trust in those relationships. There are not enough words in the English language for me to express my feelings of apology and gratefulness to my friends, during, and since all of this.

Let me make it very clear, here, that I do NOT regret that I failed. I am VERY happy to be alive! To be able to make the most of this second chance.

I am taking this seriously. I am doing my best to be a model patient. To be cooperative, open, and honest. To not resist suggestions by friends, family, and healthcare advisors. I am also working hard at balancing taking responsibility for my actions, but not beating myself up too much.

Everything is shiny and new. Everything is novel again. I’ve always been all about the silver linings, but certainly more so at that moment. I’ve laughed more in the last week than I have in the last 3 months!

Physically, I am doing well. My liver bounced back even faster than the Dr’s had expected. I was out of the hospital a full two days sooner than we expected.

Emotionally, I am doing well. I’ve never been good at dealing with negative emotions, however, since coming home, I’ve been crying in healthy ways, and talking things out as they come up.

Spiritually, I feel amazing. My soul feels lighter than it has in years! I have a renewed perspective on life, new lows to measure against which make it so much easier to appreciate what I have. To make it easier not to complain. To be able to focus on the positives, the lessons, the opportunities.

Fibro-wise, I’m doing better than I’d have expected. I’m completely free of all meds. My pain has been much less than I expected. And my mental clarity has been remarkable. I am hoping to work with my Healthcare Team to stay off of as many of them as possible.

There is obviously a lot more to talk about. There are a lot more things to address or to get more in depth on. I am, as ever, an open book.

Please feel free to ask anything. Publically or privately.

Special thanks this week, to those who visited me in the hospital, supported my Hubby in this time of chaos, and those who have given in house assistance as I regain my feet both physically and emotionally.

I will field questions and comments as my energy allows.

I will post updates also as able.

Thank you all for you love, kindness, and understanding.


NOTE: For those who have asked if there is anything you can do to help, we are currently looking for donations to keep financial stress to a minimum.