Something that I've heard repeatedly during this whole thing has been, "You are so strong, I have no idea how you do what you do and still stay sane!" Well, for starters, that's assuming that you consider my baseline mental state to fall within the realm of 'sane'. Many do not.
But in all seriousness, sanity is what you make it. To date, I haven't been dealing, I've been coping. There is a significant difference. The biggest distinction between the two being that the second is largely hiding from the problem, while the first is actually working through it. In my opinion, coping over the long term is not a good thing for one's mental health.
We all have different coping methods. I've cycled through throwing myself into different things, some more destructive than others. There's been work, alcohol, intimacy, Gaming (D&D, MTG, console gaming, LARP, etc.), and most recently, housework.
My employers certainly appreciated me throwing myself into my work. I became the person they could expect to show up early, and not complain about leaving late. The person who was available for on-call, shift swapping, and extra shifts.
Alcohol, I have to be extra careful with. Partly because I have what I refer to as an addictive personality, and partly because the pills that I take magnify the affect of the alcohol. (Before you have a coronary, read the disclaimer in Physical Health: II) Makes me a cheap drunk which, to me, is not a bad thing. *wink*
As for intimacy, well, lets just say that I haven't been in a monogamous relationship since 2010, and leave it at that, shall we?
That leads us to Gaming. Gaming has become my little obsession. There was a time that I was participating in three to five Dungeons & Dragons games a week, doing a Vampire live action role play game once a month, not to mention between-game session stuff via email. And that was before I quit my job...
During the couple of months before my health forced me into the ranks of the unemployed,when at home I would spend my time sleeping, or playing the Xbox 360. My three favourite games were BioShock, Bulletstorm, and Borderlands. These were the kind of point and shoot games that I could play even when I was exhausted from the pain and lack of sleep (This is back when the pain and nightmares meant I was averaging four hours a night of sleep. More on the nightmares later). I played through Bulletstorm, BioShock 2, and the last half of Borderlands in the last two months before I moved to London, leaving the Xbox behind.
I've traded it in for Magic the Gathering (MTG) with my housemates, three of whom are fellow Gamers, and each have several of their own decks. I have one that was built for me that I've tweaked, and three that I've built myself. I'm also back to computer games. Things like Diablo II: Lord of Destruction, Torchlight, and Torchlight II, all of which I play with one of my housemates when he has time, or on my own between housework. Part of this Mystery Disease is not being able to sit for extended periods of time without excruciating pain in my back and shoulders. If I can find a comfortable enough chair, and an outlet for my electric heat wrap, I'm good for an hour or two at a time. After that, I have to get up and stretch, but it's still a really long time for me to be stationary. I prefer to be mobile every half hour, which makes movies at a theatre a killer. I've also dabbled with other console games, as we have a PS2, and a Wii, which, as I understand it, plays any of the Nintendo, disc based games.
Which leads us up to housework. I've mentioned in other posts that I have ADHD as well as OCD. I live with four other people, and am the only one not gainfully employed. This means, in my mind, that there is no good reason that I shouldn't be doing the lion's share of the housework. I am one of those few special (read insane) people who actually enjoy housework and find it relaxing. I am considered by most to be a very industrious person. The problem is that I am accustomed to being able to work all day outside the home, come home and do housework, go be social, and come back for more housework. It has taken me some time, and several physical breakdowns, to find a balance between my mental health and my physical health, as far as housework goes.
On that note, let's talk about good days and bad days.
A bad day means that I am limited to things like putting the dishes away, and sweeping the floors, and even those are a struggle, because I am nearly completely numb in my left side. It means needing my cane if I leave the house, and using the railings and likely the walls, to keep myself upright on the stairs, and being overtly conscious of how many trips up and down I take. I often camp out on the ground floor and don't go up or down stairs until bedtime.
My worst days also include left/right confusion between my brain and my body (meaning to do something with the left hand or foot, and having the right respond instead, and vica verca), the inability to string more than a few words together without stuttering horribly, the occasional loss of a line of thought, and huge holes in my generally ample vocabulary. These are generally days when no one hears from me. I hole up in bed watching movies or in front of my computer playing simple RPG's.
A good day immediately following a bad day feels like a gift from the Gods. Even though my baseline keeps sinking, anything better than a bad day is fine by me! Though it leaves me struggling not to overdo things around the house, or going for walks, or social stuff. I have to remember that though I may feel like Superwoman by comparison to the previous day, overdoing it will land me right back on the couch, if not the hospital (which thus far, I have avoided).
My current struggle: Find a long term solution that resembles dealing rather than simply coping.
Monday 29 October 2012
Friday 19 October 2012
Mythic Weight Loss
NOTE: This started as a comment on a friend's Blog post.
http://boudicabooks.org/2012/09/18/what-is-dieting/
Dieting is one of those things that varies from person to person. Some people's metabolism just works a little differently, some people have underlying health issues that contribute to what they can/should eat. Some people are allergic to vegetables. Okay, so maybe they just eat like they were...
When I was working/living on a hobby farm and participating in Track & Field and going to the gym every Friday night with The Guys, my metabolism was insane. On a weekend, I would start my chores early and then come in and make breakfast. A ten egg omelet with half a tin of brown beans, chunks of cheddar cheese, diced green olives and whatever leftover meat and veggies there were from the night before, accompanied by two slices of thick, home made, whole wheat bread. After which I returned to chores.
Lunch was usually two sandwiches thicker than my hand, with fruits or vegetables, and supper was what you would imagine on a farm; meat and potatoes wit ha side of veggies. All through high school, I was 135 lbs soaking wet, 145 when I actually took my weight training seriously or in the fall when it was time to spend evenings and weekends splitting and stacking cord wood.
Some people gain weight when stressed, no matter what they eat or don't eat. Some people lose weight when stressed, no matter what they eat or don't eat. Some people naturally or purposely have a high fibre diet that helps to make them feel full and pass waste quickly and efficiently.
I tend to lose weight when stressed, because I stop eating, but gain when depressed, because that's all I do. Due to the amount of pain killers I take on a good day, never mind a bad day, Benefibre or a high fibre diet are a necessary evil, lending to my ability to feel full, and therefor not feel the need for seconds, or dessert.
Some people think cutting out all other junk except that 'one thing' is the way to go. For others, it's Fad diets. Some people drink more and eat less. Some people stop eating dessert. Some vie for low carbs, and some for less sugar. Most people do not realise that building muscle mass actually increases your weight, so depending on how their work out is structured, they're right, they won't lose weight. But that's what you get for being obsessed with numbers.
I grew up in a house where junk food was only around on special occasions, and dessert was pretty much the same. Our version of a treat was either one of Mom's good-for-you baked goods, or something we called Moo (see post script). I of course picked up the habit of junk food and dessert when I moved out on my own, but the novelty soon wore off and, these days, I often don't even think of dessert (if you come over for a meal and expect dessert, you might want to bring your own ;) ).
I am still very muscular, despite having to largely adjust my physical exertions. My arms are getting a little too scrawny for my likings, but the stairs in this house ensure that my legs are still tree trunks. Any weight loss that I do that is also accompanied by an exercise plan often leads to very few pounds lost, though I suddenly develop the need to wear a belt with all of my new jeans. I'm aiming for around 145lbs because I know that that is approximately the weight I should be when I've lost the extra chub on my arms, thighs, face and belly that I'd like to see gone. If I get rid of that before hitting that number, so be it. 145 is a guideline, not a requirement.
Here's the part where you're going to want to tell me to get off of my high horse.
The one thing that every diet needs to succeed is will power. Go ask the strongest, most determined people you know how they've lost weight and they'll give you a line that seems so simple that you just want to grab them and shake them.
For me, this was as simple as drinking lots of water, taking a fibre supplement, and changing my habit of sitting down to eat a full meal at meal time because it was the thing to do. I now have a small breakfast when I get up (typically about a third of a cup of cereal with milk and a yogurt cup, or a pouch of instant oatmeal), followed by small snacks through out the day. This changes slightly for 5 days starting on the 23rd day in a 28 day cycle, when my body decides that it wants a full meal, high in iron, and some chocolate, which I typically try to avoid, knowing that its my Kryptonite.
When all else fails, go with routine. Find a way to make dieting/exercising part of your routine.
However, speaking as one of those strong, determined people who has managed to lose weight and keep it off (so far), I can also attest to the fact that sometimes you've got to try a few different things before you find what works for you. I've been struggling with my weight for the last two years. Often, my weight gain was related to a decline in my mental or physical health. Now that I've finally got both of those more or less in hand, Ta da! Started at 175lbs and I'm now down to 161 in 80 days.
Bottom line. Dieting is not a myth, its just a boat load of misconception.
PS: Moo is Jell-O made with milk in place of cold water. Let the hot mixture cool first, or it gives it a gritty texture. But definitely try it! It gives the Jell-O a dessert quality. Though I'm not a fan of the Grape Moo
http://boudicabooks.org/2012/09/18/what-is-dieting/
Dieting is one of those things that varies from person to person. Some people's metabolism just works a little differently, some people have underlying health issues that contribute to what they can/should eat. Some people are allergic to vegetables. Okay, so maybe they just eat like they were...
When I was working/living on a hobby farm and participating in Track & Field and going to the gym every Friday night with The Guys, my metabolism was insane. On a weekend, I would start my chores early and then come in and make breakfast. A ten egg omelet with half a tin of brown beans, chunks of cheddar cheese, diced green olives and whatever leftover meat and veggies there were from the night before, accompanied by two slices of thick, home made, whole wheat bread. After which I returned to chores.
Lunch was usually two sandwiches thicker than my hand, with fruits or vegetables, and supper was what you would imagine on a farm; meat and potatoes wit ha side of veggies. All through high school, I was 135 lbs soaking wet, 145 when I actually took my weight training seriously or in the fall when it was time to spend evenings and weekends splitting and stacking cord wood.
Some people gain weight when stressed, no matter what they eat or don't eat. Some people lose weight when stressed, no matter what they eat or don't eat. Some people naturally or purposely have a high fibre diet that helps to make them feel full and pass waste quickly and efficiently.
I tend to lose weight when stressed, because I stop eating, but gain when depressed, because that's all I do. Due to the amount of pain killers I take on a good day, never mind a bad day, Benefibre or a high fibre diet are a necessary evil, lending to my ability to feel full, and therefor not feel the need for seconds, or dessert.
Some people think cutting out all other junk except that 'one thing' is the way to go. For others, it's Fad diets. Some people drink more and eat less. Some people stop eating dessert. Some vie for low carbs, and some for less sugar. Most people do not realise that building muscle mass actually increases your weight, so depending on how their work out is structured, they're right, they won't lose weight. But that's what you get for being obsessed with numbers.
I grew up in a house where junk food was only around on special occasions, and dessert was pretty much the same. Our version of a treat was either one of Mom's good-for-you baked goods, or something we called Moo (see post script). I of course picked up the habit of junk food and dessert when I moved out on my own, but the novelty soon wore off and, these days, I often don't even think of dessert (if you come over for a meal and expect dessert, you might want to bring your own ;) ).
I am still very muscular, despite having to largely adjust my physical exertions. My arms are getting a little too scrawny for my likings, but the stairs in this house ensure that my legs are still tree trunks. Any weight loss that I do that is also accompanied by an exercise plan often leads to very few pounds lost, though I suddenly develop the need to wear a belt with all of my new jeans. I'm aiming for around 145lbs because I know that that is approximately the weight I should be when I've lost the extra chub on my arms, thighs, face and belly that I'd like to see gone. If I get rid of that before hitting that number, so be it. 145 is a guideline, not a requirement.
Here's the part where you're going to want to tell me to get off of my high horse.
The one thing that every diet needs to succeed is will power. Go ask the strongest, most determined people you know how they've lost weight and they'll give you a line that seems so simple that you just want to grab them and shake them.
For me, this was as simple as drinking lots of water, taking a fibre supplement, and changing my habit of sitting down to eat a full meal at meal time because it was the thing to do. I now have a small breakfast when I get up (typically about a third of a cup of cereal with milk and a yogurt cup, or a pouch of instant oatmeal), followed by small snacks through out the day. This changes slightly for 5 days starting on the 23rd day in a 28 day cycle, when my body decides that it wants a full meal, high in iron, and some chocolate, which I typically try to avoid, knowing that its my Kryptonite.
When all else fails, go with routine. Find a way to make dieting/exercising part of your routine.
However, speaking as one of those strong, determined people who has managed to lose weight and keep it off (so far), I can also attest to the fact that sometimes you've got to try a few different things before you find what works for you. I've been struggling with my weight for the last two years. Often, my weight gain was related to a decline in my mental or physical health. Now that I've finally got both of those more or less in hand, Ta da! Started at 175lbs and I'm now down to 161 in 80 days.
Bottom line. Dieting is not a myth, its just a boat load of misconception.
PS: Moo is Jell-O made with milk in place of cold water. Let the hot mixture cool first, or it gives it a gritty texture. But definitely try it! It gives the Jell-O a dessert quality. Though I'm not a fan of the Grape Moo
Wednesday 17 October 2012
The Pursuit of Happiness
NOTE: This began as a comment on a friend's Blog post.
http://boudicabooks.org/2012/10/16/the-pursuit-of-happiness/
Happiness of self Vs. Happiness of Family, eh? Alright *rolls up sleeves*
I had spent the ages of 18-24 trying to make my Family (parents, siblings, spouse, inlaws) happy. It took two Common Law marriages and subsequent breakups and breakdowns for me to finally stop putting someone else's, anyone else's happiness above my own. It took all of that to finally learn to be just a tiny bit self serving. Which, by the way, is a very healthy thing to be.
I have always been the type of person to be able to seek joy in the small things. Like a good book, my favourite movie, a comfy sweater, Mom's best recipes, or simply a piece of music (I'm currently listening to a play list entitled 'Celtic Christmas' despite it being October) however, it took a lot of effort to figure out how to make myself truly happy. For me, this was surrounding myself with friends who think I'm crazy but support me every step of the way, while never afraid to tell me when I'm being ridiculous. It was finding a job that I enjoyed, excelled in and through which I could help others. It was finding things to do in my off time that were rewarding and fulfilling, and avoiding ever having the feeling of just 'putting in time', be that at work, or at play.
Faced with the reality of my declining health (See my posts on Physical Health), I have been confronted with the challenge of finding other ways of being helpful, useful and productive. I have struggled with the balance of putting my own needs, mentally, emotionally, and physically, above the 'demands' of those around me.
I've always had a pretty good grip on reality and the concept of mortality, but watching my uncle suffer through stage four lymphoma has certainly brought into perspective the fact that each moment is precious and that we should not put our happiness off until tomorrow. Granted that there are always things that require patience, but instant gratification has also become a selfish trend in our society.
Now to answer Victoria's question about personal happiness vs. happiness of the family unit.
You are part, if not half, of the Family Unit. If you're not happy, the Family is not happy. You smile and nod and go through the motions, but meanwhile, there is an undercurrent of unsatisfaction and frustration. And we all know what the inevitable end of that is. It may not be the destruction of a family, but the blow ups that occur when the scale suddenly tips too far to the side of frustration are cataclysmic. It can sometimes takes days, weeks, even months for the ripples to fade.
I'd like to say that we are all guilty of putting ourselves on the back burner at one time or another but I think 'we' in this case, is probably only a very specific category of people. That's a topic for another day.
Bottom line. You can't make anyone else truly happy if you're not happy yourself. Unhappiness is just as contagious as Happiness. Some people just have a better buffer against the scowls they pass on the street. Just as almost no one can resist a smile when confronted with one. So smile bright when you mean it, and learn to admit that you simply aren't happy instead of taking up the 'smile and nod' habit. You'll be better for it in the long run.
http://boudicabooks.org/2012/10/16/the-pursuit-of-happiness/
Happiness of self Vs. Happiness of Family, eh? Alright *rolls up sleeves*
I had spent the ages of 18-24 trying to make my Family (parents, siblings, spouse, inlaws) happy. It took two Common Law marriages and subsequent breakups and breakdowns for me to finally stop putting someone else's, anyone else's happiness above my own. It took all of that to finally learn to be just a tiny bit self serving. Which, by the way, is a very healthy thing to be.
I have always been the type of person to be able to seek joy in the small things. Like a good book, my favourite movie, a comfy sweater, Mom's best recipes, or simply a piece of music (I'm currently listening to a play list entitled 'Celtic Christmas' despite it being October) however, it took a lot of effort to figure out how to make myself truly happy. For me, this was surrounding myself with friends who think I'm crazy but support me every step of the way, while never afraid to tell me when I'm being ridiculous. It was finding a job that I enjoyed, excelled in and through which I could help others. It was finding things to do in my off time that were rewarding and fulfilling, and avoiding ever having the feeling of just 'putting in time', be that at work, or at play.
Faced with the reality of my declining health (See my posts on Physical Health), I have been confronted with the challenge of finding other ways of being helpful, useful and productive. I have struggled with the balance of putting my own needs, mentally, emotionally, and physically, above the 'demands' of those around me.
I've always had a pretty good grip on reality and the concept of mortality, but watching my uncle suffer through stage four lymphoma has certainly brought into perspective the fact that each moment is precious and that we should not put our happiness off until tomorrow. Granted that there are always things that require patience, but instant gratification has also become a selfish trend in our society.
Now to answer Victoria's question about personal happiness vs. happiness of the family unit.
You are part, if not half, of the Family Unit. If you're not happy, the Family is not happy. You smile and nod and go through the motions, but meanwhile, there is an undercurrent of unsatisfaction and frustration. And we all know what the inevitable end of that is. It may not be the destruction of a family, but the blow ups that occur when the scale suddenly tips too far to the side of frustration are cataclysmic. It can sometimes takes days, weeks, even months for the ripples to fade.
I'd like to say that we are all guilty of putting ourselves on the back burner at one time or another but I think 'we' in this case, is probably only a very specific category of people. That's a topic for another day.
Bottom line. You can't make anyone else truly happy if you're not happy yourself. Unhappiness is just as contagious as Happiness. Some people just have a better buffer against the scowls they pass on the street. Just as almost no one can resist a smile when confronted with one. So smile bright when you mean it, and learn to admit that you simply aren't happy instead of taking up the 'smile and nod' habit. You'll be better for it in the long run.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)