Weapons of Self Destruction

Here is a perfect example of how we make tools into weapons.

I was having an online conversation with a friend about maybe going to the Royal Ontario Museum, the Science Center, or even to the Toronto Zoo. These were fun and exciting things that I had never experienced before. During this conversation, I managed to upset my roommate whom I was hanging out with at the time. I then decided that I didn't want to do the fun and exciting things.

I have come far enough in my understanding of myself to realize that I was brainwashing myself, but couldn't figure out why it was so easy and so instantaneous, nor why I was even doing it.

So I hashed it out. It didn't take long to discover that the reason I was doing it was because I felt that I'd done wrong by upsetting my friend; I was punishing myself. I had decided that I didn't deserve the 'treat' of these excursions.

As for the ease in which I was able to make the mental and emotional shift; I have always been a very willful person. Call it stubborn  call it determined, call it self disciplined. I can walk down the chocolate bar aisle and just keep walking. I can be offered my favourite sweet or savory treat and decline with grace, at times, even without hesitancy. I was using those same strengths to convince myself that I didn't want to go. Which then meant that there was no feeling of loss or regret, but this is counter intuitive to self punishment. There should be some sense of loss in any punishment based on denial of a desired thing.

Conclusion: I'm an idiot. But a very clever one.

And this is how we turn tools into weapons of self destruction.

Why do I feel this way? Let's dive a little deeper into my psyche.

I've been to the Toronto Zoo, but not since I was a wee lass. I had never thought of going to the ROM nor the Science Center  at least not since I was a kid, and talked about going with Dad. That's very much a me and Dad thing.

Then there's my roommate, who covets all of my experiences. He wants to be the one to share them with me. This applies to others as well, not just me. He genuinely enjoys a shared experience with anyone. He's an experience junkie. Personally, I think he's just trying to power lvl ;)

Okay, so those are just sentimental excuses. Let's try another angle.

I don't know how to feel about being spoiled in general. It's difficult for me to accept gifts even at Christmas and my Birthday. In fact, when I had a birthday party with my new London friends, I insisted on no physical gifts; instead, I demanded a performance of sorts from each one (they are all talented performers of some sort).

It's not that I don't want the gifts...I just mange to convince myself that I don't deserve them. Someone told me recently, that its not about the feelings of the person receiving the gift, but about the feelings of the person doing the giving and that, I can relate to. I'm a really good gift giver. I have the ability to find that one thing that speaks to a person.

A friend tried to tell me once that gifts were often selfish in nature. That we give gifts based on our likes and wants. I'm not like that. I never have been. I find the thing that screams a person's name. And often, its not something that I would necessarily like or want. And it feels so good to watch the person open it, examine it, realize what it is and then get that 'Oh My God, this is amazing!' look on their face.

I guess for me the selfish part is wanting that glow. That feeling is for me.

With that in mind, I should be able to receive any gift offered me, with grace, be it a new T-shirt, a spangy new necklace, or an adventure amongst the various hot spots in whatever city I happen to be gracing with my presence, with the knowledge that it is making someone else happy. I am nothing, if not a people pleaser.

My new mission: use these tools to make progress instead of turning them around on myself and busting up the new path I've laid.