Talk It Out

I received a copy of "Bared to You" for Christmas. It was very well written, especially when compared to the "Shades of Grey" books. I'd like to ask E.L. James' editor what they were thinking when they let it go to press so raw. The acknowledgements section of Bared actually had me in tears. Her editor has her own paragraph, and it made me think of the work I do as an editor, and the editing that my friends do for me.

I wanted to devour the book, but I had to break it up into chunks. I found myself growing too emotional at times. It just struck so many chords. And of all of the gifts that I got this year, I think it has been the most useful. I feel like it gave me the tool I needed to fix some of what is wrong with me.

Without any spoilers, let me just say that the book talks about therapy, and sort of a 12 step program for people who have undergone emotional abuse. I recognized that one of the things that I do, that I hate doing, but can never seem to stop myself in the middle of, is because I've been Triggered. And now, I can see when I'm doing it, or about to do it, take an emotional step back, figure out what set me off, and deal with it instead of blowing everything out of proportions and just causing more problems.

Now I've got a choice to make.

If a piece of fiction that briefly mentions a therapy technique can be such a life changing tool, what sort of progress could I make if I actually committed myself to seeking out therapy?

This is a frightening thought on so very many levels. It means admitting that I need professional help. It means possibly being told that there is more wrong with me than I like to acknowledge. It means the possibility of hearing things that I'd really rather not hear. A therapist isn't going to hold back the truth that I need to hear. That's sort of the point. And a therapist is going to have the  skill set to make me face any realizations instead of just filing them away in the "Nope, it never happened" or the "Nope, that's not why" folders of my psyche.

This also would be flying in the face of my severe trust issues. I've had doctors do wrong by be in the past. And I've got enough wrong with my internal wiring already, that I hesitate to let just anyone start tinkering in there. But am I really ready to let such an opportunity pass just because I'm scared of what might go wrong? Ever since this while ride began, I keep promising myself that I will not live in fear. I guess that means that I've already made my decision. It's just a matter of acting on it.

*deep breath*

Wish me luck.