Mental Health: I

Something that I've heard repeatedly during this whole thing has been, "You are so strong, I have no idea how you do what you do and still stay sane!" Well, for starters, that's assuming that you consider my baseline mental state to fall within the realm of 'sane'. Many do not.

But in all seriousness, sanity is what you make it. To date, I haven't been dealing, I've been coping. There is a significant difference. The biggest distinction between the two being that the second is largely hiding from the problem, while the first is actually working through it. In my opinion, coping over the long term is not a good thing for one's mental health.

We all have different coping methods. I've cycled through throwing myself into different things, some more destructive than others. There's been work, alcohol, intimacy, Gaming (D&D, MTG, console gaming, LARP, etc.), and most recently, housework.

My employers certainly appreciated me throwing myself into my work. I became the person they could expect to show up early, and not complain about leaving late. The person who was available for on-call, shift swapping, and extra shifts.

Alcohol, I have to be extra careful with. Partly because I have what I refer to as an addictive personality, and partly because the pills that I take magnify the affect of the alcohol. (Before you have a coronary, read the disclaimer in Physical Health: II) Makes me a cheap drunk which, to me, is not a bad thing. *wink*

As for intimacy, well, lets just say that I haven't been in a monogamous relationship since 2010, and leave it at that, shall we?

That leads us to Gaming. Gaming has become my little obsession. There was a time that I was participating in three to five Dungeons & Dragons games a week, doing a Vampire live action role play game once a month, not to mention between-game session stuff via email. And that was before I quit my job...

During the couple of months before my health forced me into the ranks of the unemployed,when at home I would spend my time sleeping, or playing the Xbox 360. My three favourite games were BioShock, Bulletstorm, and Borderlands. These were the kind of point and shoot games that I could play even when I was exhausted from the pain and lack of sleep (This is back when the pain and nightmares meant I was averaging four hours a night of sleep. More on the nightmares later). I played through Bulletstorm, BioShock 2, and the last half of Borderlands in the last two months before I moved to London, leaving the Xbox behind.

I've traded it in for Magic the Gathering (MTG) with my housemates, three of whom are fellow Gamers, and each have several of their own decks. I have one that was built for me that I've tweaked, and three that I've built myself. I'm also back to computer games. Things like Diablo II: Lord of Destruction, Torchlight, and Torchlight II, all of which I play with one of my housemates when he has time, or on my own between housework. Part of this Mystery Disease is not being able to sit for extended periods of time without excruciating pain in my back and shoulders. If I can find a comfortable enough chair, and an outlet for my electric heat wrap, I'm good for an hour or two at a time. After that, I have to get up and stretch, but it's still a really long time for me to be stationary. I prefer to be mobile every half hour, which makes movies at a theatre a killer. I've also dabbled with other console games, as we have a PS2, and a Wii, which, as I understand it, plays any of the Nintendo, disc based games.

Which leads us up to housework. I've mentioned in other posts that I have ADHD as well as OCD. I live with four other people, and am the only one not gainfully employed. This means, in my mind, that there is no good reason that I shouldn't be doing the lion's share of the housework. I am one of those few special (read insane) people who actually enjoy housework and find it relaxing. I am considered by most to be a very industrious person. The problem is that I am accustomed to being able to work all day outside the home, come home and do housework, go be social, and come back for more housework. It has taken me some time, and several physical breakdowns, to find a balance between my mental health and my physical health, as far as housework goes.

On that note, let's talk about good days and bad days.

A bad day means that I am limited to things like putting the dishes away, and sweeping the floors, and even those are a struggle, because I am nearly completely numb in my left side. It means needing my cane if I leave the house, and using the railings and likely the walls, to keep myself upright on the stairs, and being overtly conscious of how many trips up and down I take. I often camp out on the ground floor and don't go up or down stairs until bedtime.

My worst days also include left/right confusion between my brain and my body (meaning to do something with the left hand or foot, and having the right respond instead, and vica verca), the inability to string more than a few words together without stuttering horribly, the occasional loss of a line of thought, and huge holes in my generally ample vocabulary. These are generally days when no one hears from me. I hole up in bed watching movies or in front of my computer playing simple RPG's.

A good day immediately following a bad day feels like a gift from the Gods. Even though my baseline keeps sinking, anything better than a bad day is fine by me! Though it leaves me struggling not to overdo things around the house, or going for walks, or social stuff. I have to remember that though I may feel like Superwoman by comparison to the previous day, overdoing it will land me right back on the couch, if not the hospital (which thus far, I have avoided).

My current struggle: Find a long term solution that resembles dealing rather than simply coping.