Random Writing Prompt: An organ donor, Fraught with tension, and Natural blonde.

Everyday life should not be fraught with such tension. For Janice, even the most routine parts of her dash,  such as the commute to work, had her muscles in knots, worms of anxiety writhing in her stomach while she silently worked through meditation mantras in her scattered mind.

On exceptionally chaotic days,  the stillness refused to come and so she was forced to make the anxiety work for her. She stopped trying to get her mind to quiet and  lifted her eyes to the throng of humanity around her. People watching could sometimes Have a calming effects that her meditation just couldn't penetrate.  She would step into the skin of the ppl around her and walk around for a while.

Only figuratively of course. She wasn't some sort of psychic or other metaphysical mumbo jumbo. She'd just imagine what it was like to be them. Perhaps that young lady three seats down on the subway was sick of being a natural blonde. That elderly looking gentleman might be sicker than he looks and waiting desperately for a matching organ donor for a life saving surgery.

As she imagined, her own stress and worry lessened, the tension melting from her frame until her  chest was no longer  constricted and her spine no longer felt like it might snap under the force of her own muscle tension.
The train stopped and it was time to walk in her own skin as she stepped out of the car and onto the platform once more.

WIP - "Witcher" (Working Title)

To those who don't know  any better, any technology which they do not understand, is tantamount to witchcraft. But occasionally the True Craft comes to light, amid whispers of curiosity and fear.

Such were the whispers which guided him, and so many before him, to my door, hands open and arms outstretched in the universal gesture of peace. His face told me nearly as much as a True Reading would have done. He bore the tales of his past as lines, shadows and scars on his twisted mien. He was also conflicted. His posture told me as much. He walked as one accustomed to having his back to a wall, currently leaving himself open to the inevitable- or so he believed- dagger in the back, was a painful assault on his instincts. Instincts which were likely all that had kept him alive through all of the obstacles on his Path, but for the touch of the Great Mother on the thread which was his Fate.

I could have met him with the visage of the blind old Crone. This was normally the face which ppl found least threatening. But his superstitions clung to him as fear did the majority of my patrons.

And so, it was the Innocent who greeted him , along with the faint tinkle of the coloured glass beads which hung in strands as partition betwixt my Shoppe and the bustling market.

I sat perched on a high stool on the nearside of the partitioning table, my knees tucked to my chin, my grubby hands clasped across my ankles. The skirts which barely covered my equally grubby feet were wound and carefully patched, the stringy hair which hung in my eyes, clean and mostly well kempt, but for a wilting flower crown, perched slightly lopsided on the [bistre] nest of hair.

The eyes which I peered at him through were wide with long lashes, cautious and full of curiosity.

This was where most Face Changers befouled themselves; the The glamour has to extend to the eyes for the lie to believable. You must keep your own joy, tragedy and Knowledge from them, the Windows to the Soul. I have always likened it to pulling the shutters closed on a GreatHouse.

None of my own Vast Truths met him when he met my gaze.

His eyes flickered around the enclosure before he slowly let his hands fall to his sides, just as slowly making his way to a spot a few feet from me to lean casually on the table top, taking up an air of nonchalance, an attempt to put the cautious Innocent at ease.

I had read him well, indeed.

He leaned forward, making a show of looking for the Keeper of the place.  “Is the woman who runs this place about?” His voice was soft, gentle. The tone of one trying not to spook a thing of the Wilds.

Inwardly, I grinned, outwardly, I nodded briskly, lips still tightly closed.

“She's left you to mind the Shoppe, has she? That’s quite the honour,” he remarked, sounding duly impressed.

I let my frame open a bit, straightening with appropriate pride at his words.

“I’ll bet that wreath of blossoms is tribute from the last briggand to have passed these curtains,” he continued.

I blushed at his exaggeration of my might. “I like you,” I declared, and let go my grip of my ankles, letting my feet dangle and rewarding him for his kind words with a warm smile.

“You honour me, Steward,” he flourished his cloak and I could see his blades in the dim light shed by the lanterns, the hilts were bound, peace tied,  and my esteem for him rose yet higher.

“Would you accept tribute from a lowly patron of the shops?” he asked, patting the small bulge in one of the many pockets of his vest. I sat up a little straighter, eyes alight with curiosity, and nodded eagerly. His finger and thumb dug into the pocket and pulled out a carven medallion on a length of leather cord. It was a circle imprinted with the Rune of joy and happiness.

Again, my esteem for him rose. I'll say this for him, he knew how to make an impression.

He motioned an inquiry for permission to tie it in place and I let him. Some cannot hold a glamour under touch. I can, but still I let it fall away as he drew back, and he found himself facing a grown woman with the eyes of Ages.

He gaped for a moment, not surprisingly. What was surprising was that he managed to keep his hands from flying to the bound hilts of his blades, or from some superstitious gesture of warding. Instead they resumed their open gesture of peace.

“Well met, Madre.” He used the word of his people for my local title, Mother. [address the innocent as a little mother from now on]

“Well met, Child.” He hadn't retreated. He was still close enough for his breath to rustle the hairs on my head, likely unsure if retreat would bespeak of cowardice or even rudeness at this point, after having been invited so close to the Mother of All, or so the children referred to me as.

He blushed and lowered his eyes when he realized he'd been staring into the depths of mine. “Forgive my rudeness, Madre,” he begged in humble tones.

“I am not some noblewoman of your world, Child, there is no trespass in meeting my gaze,” I reassured him. “It's beautiful,” I remarked, fingering the token he'd given the Innocent.

“I thought her an urchin. It never occurred to me...” he trailed off, looking embarrassed. The truth of his words was like the tang of fresh fruit hanging on the air between us. Not trying to impress the daughter or ward of the mother, then. Good.

“You've come a long way. Can I offer you water to freshen yourself? Food? Mead?” The faint tinkling of more glass beads and a teen girl appeared, ready to see to our needs now that the meeting was beginning in earnest.

“Those would be welcome.” He smiled, looking somewhat sheepish and relieved to have the structure of a regular offer of refreshment from this quite irregular hostess.

I nodded in confirmation to the attendant, and slid off of my stool, gesturing with the crooking of my fingers for him to follow me through another of those curtains in into my inner sanctum.

A thought - one of crisp, ice water - and an image, of a thread unravelling- and my Wards parted enough to let him pass through the curtain behind me. A curtain he had not noticed upon earlier inspection.

I could taste the rise of his nerves, sour, like lemons. He was making a good show of not being outwardly disconcerted.

My bare feet trod across the moss which carpeted this part of the tents. I soaked up the comfort of the earth and sent a wisp of it to coil around the stranger, who was not so strange to me. His face had haunted my dreams for weeks now. His whispered plight echoing through the vaults of my subconscious.

I could smell the spun sugar in the air as his muscles and sinew relaxed. I took a sympathetic breath of relief, as we both settled, cross-legged, in the center of my space.

“There, isn't this better?” I asked, glad he was now at least somewhat at ease.

The attendant returned with a laden tray. A basin with water and cloth, a pitcher of mead with 2 glasses, and a plate filled with nibbles of fresh fruit, and veg with cured meats.

I poured the mead with my own hand while he washed, and took a few tidbits for myself, helping to dispel the notion of tainted food as I popped them into my mouth and chewed.

His eyes roamed the tent as he quenched the immediate thirst and hunger which comes with reaching your destination.

I resisted the urge to taste his experiences as he took in his surroundings. I settled for watching the reactions on his now, unguarded features.

It was quite obviously not remotely what he expected. Each support post was wreathed with life. Plant life, a cluster of eggs in a nest, the subtle movement at the mouth of a hole in the earth he spoke of the curiosity of the rabbit to warrened there. There were many openings in the roof of the tent, the flaps pulled back to let in the sunlight and what passed for fresh air this close to the press of humanity.

The market’s hustle and bustle was deadened by the moss and the tumble of green tendrils from all available climbing surfaces.

There was indeed a cabinet filled with jars and vials, but none of the wing of bat nor eye of Newt which so often adorned the tales of Witch Kind amongst the children. Instead, there was a lump of honeycomb, seeds and nuts, feathers, dried bark, preserved blossoms, and a switch from each of the trees of the region. The most macabre item, A small collection of teeth, all animal, and each collected once the owner no longer had need of them. Either shed naturally or collected from skulls of the Beasts.

I refused such items of trade from Hunters unless they smelled of the Lilac scent of offerings. Those which were taken without proper rites stunk of sulfur and Ash.

I could very nearly taste the him change his mind about Witch Kind as he wiped his fingers clean and took another long draught from his cup of mead.

“Many thanks, Madre. I am much refreshed.”

“Niani, if you prefer.” I invited him to call me familiarly. “And what do I call you, Child?”

Whole New Wavelength (Work in Progress)

We’d all learned about the infrared and ultraviolet spectrums of light when we were in school. That was tame stuff. What these scientists were claiming was the ability to tap into a whole other wave length. So far gone it was practically it’s own dimension. They tried to be smart about it, too. They installed it on a couple of drones, and a satellite. It made things very pretty, and it sort of opened up the landscape. Think of seeing blueprints of the house you grew up in and suddenly having it pointed out that there were all of these secret rooms that you had somehow overlooked. It was sort of like that.

And now, it was time for human testing.

I had nothing better to do with my next fifteen years other than stare at the walls of my cell, so I figured, what the heck. I’d volunteer for the medical testing that they’d been pushing. They needed someone with certain genetic markers -read, not modified- and of a certain IQ. I knew my DNA was clean, and I’d always scored pretty high on those mandatory tests, so I pressed my thumb to the PADD, signing me up for the preliminary testing.

The toy canary that my kid brother had sent me to mark the passage of my last birthday chose that moment to short out, with a fizzling pop. The guard taking my Print and I both looked at the faintly smoking bird and then at the Padd. I couldn’t help the adage which passed through my memory banks, of a canary in a coal mine. We shrugged simultaneously. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to shrug it off.

However, after five years in solitary in this latest facility, and an unknowable amount of time in MaxSec, previously, surrounded by only the most vicious of like minded, violent offenders, I had won my suit for reduced security, and therefore, human interaction. I was not about to let some passing omen prevent me from my dues. I laid back in my bunk as Lights Out aproached. I was very much looking forward to oh-eight-hundred to roll around.

***

The nurse who asked me to take off my shirt was a redhead who looked like she’d be more at home on a tennis court than in here, hobnobbing with science geeks. I managed to keep my hands to myself, aiming for the Model Applicant award. Maybe it would earn me a smile...

She took my vitals before asking me if I’d like her to do it for me. It occurred to me that too much time and conversation had passed for the ‘it’ to be taking off my shirt, despite wishful thinking. “Excuse me?” I asked, searching for clarification.

“If you’d rather do it yourself, that’s fine. But I assure you, I’m very good with this.” She held up a straight razor, and my lust slowed brain coughed up the tidbit that she had said she’d need to shave my head.

“Uh, no. That’s fine. You go right ahead, Nurse Daisy.” I braced myself with elbows on knees  in order to stay still to let her apply the lather, and focused on a point on the far wall while she scraped my head bare. It’s not like I’d really done much with it since they’d enforced regulation crew cut on me in MaxSec. Chrome-Dome was bound to be an improvement.

“How long have you known that you were pre-cognisant?” she asked.

“Hmm?” I wondered.

“My name. I didn’t give it. It’s not on my I.D., nor on any of the forms you’ve been filling out. But you knew it. No one on this ward calls me by my first name, so you couldn’t have overheard it,” she declares.

I fight the urge to shrug nonchalantly, preferring to keep my ears attached, and limit the likelihood of any additional scars to my already ugly mug. “Lucky guess. How come you don’t use a laser for this?” I ask, hoping to change the topic.

“They’re too easy to modify into something more destructive, and the razors are magnetic, so the BEAMS catch them,” she waved towards the glowing stripe of red around the doorway.

“How’d you get to be so good with such an old-school weapon?” I ask her, teasing, playing on my tough-guy reputation, despite the warmth in my voice.

“It was a tool long before it was a weapon,” she replies, shortly. But there is still a returning undertone of friendly warmth there. Her bedside manners deeply ingrained? Or perhaps it was my charm. “You haven’t answered my question.”

Sharp one. No pun intended. “Dunno. I’ve just always been like that with little things. It’s like there are these things floating around in the air, little factoids, like circling gnats, and I just sort of pick them up. It’s as natural as breathing, for me. For the longest time, I was worried I was actually breathing it in. It always seemed worse when I was scared. You know, panting?” I explained, recalling my adolescence. Spending the formative years of my life wondering if I were crazy. Afraid to tell anyone, but knowing I wasn’t quite right in the head. I ran away rather than tell my straight laced, exacting father that his child was a Reader.  “I was 17 before I figured it out.”

“And you ran away.” She said it blandly. I was having a hard time if she were asking, telling, or accusing.

“Let’s just say that Dear Old Dad wasn’t the sort to put up with a flaw like that in his bloodline.” I could remember the dinners. Listening to the old man declare how filthy ‘those creatures’ were, and how it was a good thing there wasn’t any of that ‘nonsense’ in his line. I would have made one hell of a thespian. I somehow managed to sit through these rants without so much as twitching an eyebrow.

Daisy sucked on her teeth, making a noncommittal sound in response. “There you go,” her voice snapping me from my reverie, and releasing me from my rigid posture. “Let me just wipe you down.” She steps to the sink, washing her hands and wiping the blade clean before tucking it back into it’s case and relocking it.

She returns with a warm rag and wipes my now smooth scalp clean of clinging hairs and the shaving residue. The sensations inspire a wave of gooseflesh down my neck and back, washing to the tips of my fingers. It’s all I can do to remain still, and not either shiver with shere delight at the touch of another human being in a form other than restraint or violence, nor to lean into the pleasant touch.

“Now for the sensors.” She attaches what feels like dozens of tiny sensors to my skin, seeming as though she were replacing the missing hairs with their attached wires. She was quiet now as she worked, leaving me to the uncomfortable memories of my father’s dinner time declarations.

“Next,” she steps away and fetches a PADD, “I’m going to ask you a series of questions and then show you a series of images. I want you to give me the first thing that leaps to your mind, even if it seems out of context. Go with your instincts, okay?” She was back to cheery Nurse Daisy.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“Daisy will be fine, Danni.” And there was my smile.

***

Forty five minutes later, I was beginning to get the buzz of a headache in my ears, leaning forward rubbing my temples as Daisy carefully extracted the tendrils of the sensors.

“I’m sorry. It shouldn’t be so painful. I’ve never seen someone with these scores.” It was the third time she’d mentioned my scores since the results were spit out. “I’ll give you something for it once these are off,” she promised. I nodded in acknowledgement, just trying to keep the slop that passed for lunch in my stomach and not on her pretty feet.

It seemed to take forever for her to get all of the little wires off of my head, but I knew that it had taken her considerably less time than it might have a less practiced hand. She moved with a grace and fluidity which made me wonder what she had done before joining the Corp.  

And without meaning to, I was looking through her eyes as she looked at herself in the mirror, fully nude. Just after puberty, I’d guess, by the swelling curves and scrawny limbs. She was thinking she’d have to give up the ballet.

“I’m sorry.” I had the decency to blush, at least. She blushed in return, having felt my invasion. I hadn’t exactly been suave about it.

“It’s okay, Danni. You didn’t mean to.” She forgives me easily, which only serves to make me feel worse, but still looks a little embarrassed.

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you couldn’t be a ballerina.” My hand reached out, barely touching her wrist in an unconscious gesture, and suddenly I had two guns leveled at my newly shaven head.

“The prisoner will cease hostilities!” came the electronic command of the automated response system.

“Stand down, GARD,” she said, her voice resigned but tinged with irritation.

“He was only trying to protect you from the dangerous criminal, Nurse Daisy,” I explained with a smirk. It had taken my unconscious move of affection as an act of violence. And I was the crazy one? Sure.

“Here, try these.” She handed me a pair of capsules, and a paper cup of water with which to wash them down. “They’ll help with the pain and vertigo,” she promised, and went back to cleaning up her equipment, giving me her profile.

“When can I see you again?” I managed to infuse my voice with humour, despite the waves of nausea.

I was rewarded with a wry grin from my audience. “Same time tomorrow work for you?” she asked, as if I had a choice.

“I’ll have to rearrange a few things on my schedule, but I’m sure I can accommodate you.” My eyes are still filled with a sheen of tears from the intense pain behind my temples, but somehow, I was managing to flirt with the pretty nurse. Ya, I had been away from the general populace for too long...

She helped me out of my chair and walked me to the door, laying her hand on the panel to deactivate the red line, and letting go of me as I stumbled through the doorway into the waiting arms of two half-mech, orderlies.

I caught myself looking over my shoulder as they half helped, half dragged me down the hall, and I was mystified to find her still in the doorway, staring after me. What was it about this girl? I hadn’t felt a spark of anything for anyone in half a decade, and here I was, practically drawing hearts around her name in my binder? Was it a desperation born of opportunity? I made a note to think about it when the knives of pain had extracted themselves from my frontal lobe.

***

My face was covered in sweat, and I could taste the sourness of bile on my tongue. I couldn’t feel my fingertips, and the edges of my vision were getting dark. I knew three things: I had survived, I was going to pass out, and I was going to vomit. I was just hoping I puke before passing out, and that I’d manage to avoid the puddle on my way down.

I don’t remember hitting the floor. I was looking up into my saviour’s eyes, and she looked terrified. Wait, why was she terrified? She wasn’t the one that had just encountered…them…

“Danni! Can you hear me, Danni?” She was frantically patting my cheeks with one hand. I reached up and took her wrist in my hand.

“I hear ya, Nurse Daisy. I’m alright. I think…” I tried to sit up, but she pressed me back down.

“Lie still a minute. The Unit is trying to take your vitals.” Now that she mentioned it, I could see the soft green glow of the Doc Unit as it worked above me.  I could smell the sour smell of my own vomit and was relieved to discover that I had, in fact, missed the puddle. I was cautious now not to end up dipping myself in it.

“What happened!” a male’s voice demanded, and for a moment I was confused. There weren’t any males allowed on the compound. Then I remembered the trip in the back of the limo…

***

“You do realize how honoured you should feel?” She kept asking me similar questions, smoothing her non regulation shirt and blouse, even leaning forward to smooth my cowlick and pick near invisible lint from my shoulder.

“To be dressed up like a Barbie and stuffed in the back of a limo with a sweet smelling nurse decked out to match? I’m pretty sure honoured is not the name for this particular feeling,” I teased. Usually I tried to be a little more suave than that, but she’d worn perfume…It was making me crazy.

***

“What have you done!” he barked, shoving past Daisy and the Unit, hauling me up by the shoulders now that the Doc had finished it’s analysis. “If you’ve ruined it…” He left the threat hanging, his face red, his chest heaving.”

“Doctor Matzi! She’s still in shock!” Daisy’s voice was the tone of a mother scolding child that should know better, having been told the same thing a hundred times before.

He glances as the Unit’s readout. “Yes, I suppose she is,” he admits, grudgingly, and gently shifts his grip to support my limp body better. I think I hear Daisy cluck her tongue at him as she slips in behind me, Matzi lowering my torso until I am laying in her lap.

I look up at her with a goofy grin. “Just couldn’t wait to get close to me, eh, Nurse Daisy?”

She hushes me, stroking my face with a look that tells me it was a closer call than I’d like to think about. I close my eyes and turn my cheek so it brushes her thigh, waiting for my body to sort itself out, and the orderlies that are now swarming the room to administer what chemical interventions they see fit to dole out, no arguments from me for once.

***

She looked amazing. The jewellery was fine silver filigree, and  looked amazing against her skin. Made her seem somehow otherworldly.  And that perfume. I found myself reaching out to cup her cheek with one palm while she fussed with my hair, trying to get it to lay flat. But this is what you got when curly hair grew out from chrome-dome.

“Maybe we should have gotten you a hat or a headscarf.” Frown lines marred her face, but made cute wrinkles on the bridge of her nose. For a moment I thought she wasn’t even aware of the touch of my skin and I couldn’t decide if I was relieved, or hurt. But before I could make up my mind, she nuzzled into my palm, her eyes closing momentarily.  She gave me a look that said ‘If only’. Or at least, that’s how I chose to interpret it.

***

I just relaxed in her arms until the orderlies decreed me stable, then they lifted me off the floor and into a chair. “Danni, what happened?” she finally asked. For a moment, I just looked at her blankly, as I reached back for the memories of the event. Then I felt the blood drain from my face, and thought I might puke again.

***

“At first it had just been sort of like playing a video game. One of the older, Immersion types where you hooked on the head gear and the World was laid over your reality. But nothing was quite the same. Things were just a little different. I could still hear Daisy as she encouraged me to walk around and investigate.” I was sweating as I recounted the experience, already anticipating the moment everything went bad. Hearing my own scream echoing in my ears.

“I kept noticing these lights. At first, I thought it was just part of this other plane. But then I noticed a pattern. They seemed almost to be coming and going, like the people in the hallways. For a minute I got thinking maybe it was just some sort of spectral after image, and then I got thinking along the lines of ghosts. I tried to get closer, and tried talking to one…” I remembered the sudden flood of sensations. “It was like someone had poured a bucket of emotions over my head. I tried to block it out, or at least filter it down to a tolerable level. It felt sort of like if a room full of people all suddenly started screaming at once.” I swallowed thickly as I tried to express the situation to a room full of laymen. Daisy handed me a glass of water and I drank, gratefully.

“That was why you were clutching at your head?” Matzi asked, calmer now.

“Ya, I wasn’t digging at the implant,” I said in my defence.

“You were trying to block out a sound that plugging your ears wouldn’t have stifled,” Daisy offered.

“Exactly.”

“What happened towards the end?” Matzi pressed, seeming like he wasn’t entirely sure, now that he’d asked the question, that he wanted to hear the answer.

I took another swallow of the water, suddenly wishing it were Vodka. “They noticed me noticing them. They swarmed me. The noise, if you will, got worse. They seemed to understand that they were causing me some discomfort, and most of them backed off. Or so I thought. I think, now, that maybe they were just clearing the way for the bigger light. When it approached me, the others got quieter, but they were all nervous. That was one thing that I could feel from all of them, at that point. I think they’d been largely startled, and curious until that point.”

I could see the bigger light like an afterimage burned into my retinas, if I closed my eyes, but it was seared into my memory, not my ocular nerves. I’d never felt such fear…

I opened my eyes and continued. “He -and I can’t tell you where the gender assignment came from- bent over until what I assume was his face was right in mine. I got the feeling he was holding his breath, and then it felt like my mind exploded.” I swallowed bile again as I tried to explain. “Such animosity, such loathing and violence as I’ve ever felt. And I did my stint in the maximum security facility. This was so much...more than that...It was like suffering through a thousand thousand torture sessions all in just a few moments time. My whole body screamed under the duress and then, I guess, so did I.”

“I hit the kill switch when you started screaming,” Daisy explained,  her voice reflecting a shadow of the fear in my own.

***

The Flesh had never bothered the One in previous times. No living One held memory of such an interaction. Oris doubted the council could truly find fault with his actions. After all, it was his job to Protect.

This particular Flesh was obviously somehow special, different than the others.... but what if more became just as special? What if all of the Flesh could see all of the One? Even the slight disruption of this Flesh’s thoughts entering the Web had had lasting affects. Several of the young One that had been within projecting distance had screamed when the Flesh had screamed, had had violent reactions to the Fear, just as the Flesh had. Perhaps he shouldn’t have projected so strongly until he had tested the perception of the Flesh. But how was he to know that it was as sensitive as an adolescent One? Shields like tissue paper. Fragile creature...

That sector had now been cleared of all non essential One, in the event that the Flesh chose to Observe again. Oris had been ordered to report to the Council for debriefing. He was hopeful that he would then be reassigned to monitor this Observer-Flesh. Oris would very much like a chance back inside that Flesh’s mind...The violence...The pain... There was much he could learn from this one...

***

With the briefing finally over, Daisy and I were dismissed while the Powers That Be deliberated on how to proceed with the Project. They still had me in velcro shackles holding my arms at my sides, but Daisy had managed to convince them that the ankle manacles weren't needed, that I was entirely too unsteady on my feet to warrant a flight risk. Nonetheless, we were still flanked by a rank of armed escorts, guiding us back to my temporary cell on site.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to beg them to let Daisy stay. She ensconced herself on the edge of my bunk with an air that said ‘go ahead, try to remove me’, and waved them out, dismissively. Her slight frame was deceptive. When she wanted too, she exuded an authority that made even these overgrown GI Joe’s second guess themselves and their orders.

But the slight hesitation was just at, a hesitation. They removed the shackles and ducked out of the room, leaving us in relative privacy. For all of our society’s enlightenments on mixed gender relations, they still didn't know what to do about leaving two females in a room who obviously shared an attraction. Had we been opposite sexes, they would have left a chaperone. Not that I was complaining, I was more than happy to be left to our own devices. And in other circumstances, those devices may not have been virtuous in nature. But right now, I was still frazzled. I just wanted to be held.

I curled up on my side in the bunk, and she pulled my head into her lap, petting my fledgling curls, and humming under her breath. It was the song my mother had sung me as a child when the nightmares started.

*****

Daisy’s voice broke through the reverie. “What do you remember?”

My brows knit, trying to remember where we’d left off in conversation, looking for the context of the question.

“I’m sorry, context; When you came to us, you didn't remember much, and even your file was sparse, much of it classified way above anyone at the prison’s clearance, and yet, they let you out of MaxSec...” The thought trails off. “You don't think....” A horrified expression crossed her features.

“What?” I leant up on one elbow, looking down at where she still laid, hair spread over the pillow like a halo.

“That they transferred you just so you could take part in the Program?”

“That seems like a pretty long game to be playing, even for The Powers That Be,” I replied, sceptical. “But I can’t pretend the thought hasn’t occurred to me.” I sighed wiping and hand over my face, and laying back down, curling into the warmth of her body. “But to be honest, I remember plenty, just nothing useful. I remember the blood, the screams, the terror in their eyes. I remember the exhilaration, the excitement, the sheer need to keep going.”

My stomach turned and I paled in embarrassment, bracing myself for her to pull away. When she shifted, my eyes popped open in surprise. She wasn't pulling away she was holding me closer, pressing her lips to the top of my head, and humming the song again. I turned to face her, burying my face against her chest and clinging to her like a lifeline. I did something I didn't think i could do anymore, I cried.

It was the kind of crying that leaves your soul feeling follow and your head stuffed with cotton. Feeling like you've got glass shards in your eyes and a vice on the back of your neck. It also left the front of her coated it tears and snot, but we were both beyond caring. She just rocked me until I could loosen my grip, then she reached for a glass of water and sat me up, helping my unsteady hands grip the glass as I replenished the font of water I’d just loosed. I gulped it down, gratefully. She set the glass aside, and sat up enough to removed her overcoat, tossing it aside to dry, and pulled me close again.

It would be lights out any moment now. The thought tugged a smile from the corner of my mouth. She was staying. A wave of happiness and relief swept over me, and I felt calm, well and truly calm, for the first time in what felt like years.

Update Synopsis

I haven't been posting updates here, as I've been just posting directly to my personal Facebook, and that in and of itself can sometimes take up a lot of energy. So here is a synopsis, minus names, of what's been going on with me and mine :)

March 21. Morning:

I had a very busy, very productive day yesterday.

Got to reconnect with an adopted Uncle, KS, I got toddler snuggles from my niece, AS, got through half of the backlog of clean laundry, made Brownies and Chocolate pudding for Hubby, puttered away at the kitchen, began the putter process in the bedroom, and just overall made great progress. 

Woke up this morning and my brain is already wanting to resume that productive feeling.

Have to pace myself extra today. I've got medical errands to run.

Will post detailed update later. Xoxo

Evening:

I've had a busy day thus far. Had my appointment with my Neurologist, then stopped for lunch with RD. Omw up to visit with ML before going home to relax for a bit.

I'm having a very positive day. Almost peed myself (literally) laughing twice, so that's something! Lol

Had an amazing roulette meal at Steve's Open Kitchen. I told the cook to surprise me ;) I got eggs Benny with peameal, and perfect home fries.

Neurologist was happy to see that I'm doing so well after the upset. She's pleased with my progress already this week. I've got a regular MRI update coming up (waiting for them to send me the appointment information). And follow up appointment for Nov, unless the MRI shows anything noteworthy.

March 22, Morning:

I had a good cry last night, after a social misstep and getting myself all worked up. After a lot of introspection, I'm feeling much better about the situation and myself.

Part of the introspection lead me to realize that I am inadvertently pushing myself. So I'm doing my best to create a warning system in my brain so that if I get close to stepping outside of my current comfort zone, if I and leading towards a situation that I am not yet emotionally prepared to deal with, then I can take a step back without feeling like a coward, etc. bottom line, I am focusing on self forgiveness.

I also emailed my GP about a psychiatric referral sooner rather than later. I think I inadvertently put it off (even temporarily) when I spoke with him on Wed. I sort of heard it on replay last night while I was thinking about it, so I spoke to Hubby, assured him that it wasn't a conscious procrastination, and assured him I'd be reaching out to correct that today.

I'm still feeling super insecure in so many ways. Not the ways I'd have thought. But it is certainly getting much easier to navigate my own thoughts and feelings now that I'm off all the meds!!!

More later. Just wanted to let you all know that I'm continuing to move forward <3

Afternoon:
Having an extra slow day today. My body is complaining. But I did get some kitchening done, and some of the garbage/recycling ready to go for tonight. The mountain of clean clothes and unmatched socks is slowly shrinking. And I've just had a hot shower that has alleviated the worst of the pain I was in. Now I think it's time for a nap, or at least for staring at the screen with glazed eyes Zzzzzzzz

March 23, Evening:

Hey guys! I hope that no one has been worried! I've been having a great, if buys, day heart emoticon

Started with texting with my baby sister, then up to the kitchen for breakfast, and some dishes. Chatted with Mr Homeowner and his son (2yrs), then back down to hang with Hubby while he played The Division and I called the Baby Sister and folded laundry.

I have now officially folded all of the clean clothes! I am stoked! Now I just have to separate into organized piles and give each pile a home. I love how excited these little things make me :P

Had a great chat with Baby Sister, then sent Hubby off to work and then Uncle came over for a couple of hours. Now I'm back in the basement, watching TV and puttering. xoxo!

My other goal for today is to sweep/vacuum the basement and ground floor. But that doesn't need to be done til before bed time.

Later:

I so should have taken before and after pictures! I cannot believe how much progress I'm making in my general putter/basement overhaul! Kinda like my first two days home after the hospital. I spent the time in the basement cleaning up mess from the walls, carpet, shower, clothes, boxes, etc.... But did it ever feel good to get it done!!! 

I have been working on a complete overhaul of the bedroom, since then. Every scrap of paper, pile of clutter, lost sock, accounted for and relegated to its own home. Tonight I also moved over to the living area (aka dump zone) next door. We're in the basement btw, not sure if y'all knew that. 

I needed to spread next door to find storage space for stuff. So now I've gotten a bunch of dead cardboard boxes flattened and sliced up, bagged up and dumped on the front porch, the stacks of "from the move" boxes piled up and ready to be sorted through, the "hallway" expanded, two more loads of catch-up laundry done, the suitcases and backpacks nested together, the laundry area tidied up, the piles of random items scattered around all collected and put in a box for household sorting at a later date! 

I've even started a pile of Yard Sale items to put out for fundraising for The Move &/or The Wedding! 

Been wrapped up in my electric blanket while I write this, with my foot massager doing its job. Now I'm off to get a hot shower, and hopefully have some time to play Fallout 4 before Hubby gets home from work for snuggles and food <3 :)

March 24, Morning:

Morning loves from my Love, breakfast, and more puttering!

I saved Hubby's life! We put on Red Neck Hazmat gear and got ride of a mould source (he's allergic). I'll be spot treating the carpet over time to make it sanitary. Then we'll do a steam clean and likely put a new underlay down.

Even if we move next month, this space will be move in ready for the next guy! ;)

Been doing dishes. Now I've gotta put on butt coverings. Meeting SM for tea at Steve's Open Kitchen, then mall crawling with RD & ML.

Gonna be a great day!

March 25, Morning:

Mmmmm. Groggy girl is groggy.....*zombie shuffle*

Had a great morning hanging out with the Homeowners and the Baby! Did some dishes, some personal grooming, and am now watching Eureka and puttering around on-line, after a snack of cheese and Gingerale

Afternoon: 

Om nom lunch!

Leftover tuscan chicken stirfry and a headache hot chocolate, just in case. Been doing lots of tv, internet and crochet today, lets not end up with a Migraine.....

Evening:

Well, this is going to be interesting. I'm coming down with a cold. This will be my first entirely holistic battle with my body in quite some time. I just home for The Baby's sake that I don't end up with conjunctivitis again! :P

Off to crochet and watch Hubby play The Division. <3

March 26, Afternoon:

I have a sinus cold today. So you may not hear much from me. But Hubby will be here all day except for grocery run.

March 27, Afternoon:

Hey guys! I'm doing well, just struggling through this cold. Had a nice brunch with the house ppl. been relaxing and puttering. now playing MineCraft

March 28, Afternoon:

Home safe from my stupid o'clock dr app. Their entire team was Topsy turvy. Seems some parts of the practice took today off and some did not. Lack of communication.

So I was an hr and a half late getting to see the dr. But they were very polite and to the point once we were face to face.

Today was an appointment with my Rheumatologist. A follow up after a localized steroid injection in January.

I have more blood work to go for, a referal to a Physiatryst (soft tissues specialist), and an open ended ticket to get another steroid shot at my leisure, after cold and flu season.

This is because we determined that the shot did work for the pain in my shoulders, but that the benefit was canceled out my laying me up for 3 weeks with cold/flu.

I love my kids too much to avoid the little plague rats wink emoticon

Now I'm home, and back in bed with my electric blanket and witches brew to kick this cold in the arse!

March 29, Morning:

My cold is finally starting towards better instead of worse! Yay!

Ate my breakfast on the deck today. Perfect balance of sun and wind. Tho it's still too cold for the heavy breathing of a nice walk, with this cold.

So I started my Dr homework today. I have to track down the psychiatrist that has the referral information for the coping skills team and one on one therapy. I'd have thought they'd have contacted my GP, but not so much.

Note to self! if I'm ever hospitalized, get a copy of my records or something before I leave! lol

I've also got to call the Fibro specialists in Toronto that my GP thinks will be good now that I'm getting more hand on with my FMS.

Separately, I also am waiting for an appointment for an updated MRI and a referral to a physiatrist (soft tissues specialist).

Looks like I've got tons of support of the fibro front!

Feeling exhausted after food and fresh air. May nap.... maybe minecraft for a bit. *yawns*

Afternoon:

In the scramble to make sure that I am feeling better, and doing my part to follow up with Dr's, Hubby hasn't gotten around to seeing someone about what happened. This just sort of occurred to both of us.

So I'll be making a call to get him a referral (as per his request) but I am currently feeling overwhelmed by the fact that we've gone this long without him talking to a Professional. These saviors of ours, they forget to watch out for themselves... tut tut tut.

I'm off to cleanse my brain pallet.

Evening:

Feeling a bit down today. First time that I haven't been able to just shrug it off since I've been home. But I don't think it's a big deal. I've also been exceptionally tired today.

I'll keep an eye on it.

Off to nuke some soup.

And make a Keurig hot chocolate ;) cuz chocolate fixes everything

Later:

Feeling better now. Just tired and anti social. Time for fallout!!

March 30, Morning:

Took a nap last night that turned into waking up this morning :P Well, the good news is that I feel well rested! The bad news is I feel ancient. Not sure if its because I didn't move much in my sleep, or the impending weather this evening. But I make for a great caricature, hobbling around tongue emoticon Spending my morning playing Modded Minecraft. Homework and reading and dishes and crochet are on the agenda for the day.

Evening:

A snapshot of what Slow as Molasses in January looks like; Went to kitchen at 6:45 to toss two eggs and leftover chicken stir fry into a pan. Just now (9:07) returning to bedroom after dinner and dishes :P